Monday, May 27, 2013

To The Raccoon That Keeps Eating My Garbage.

I know I'm sending mixed messages by continuing to leave unprotected bags of garbage outside while attempting to use two strategically placed deck chairs to kind of present the vague visual insinuation of a barrier, but obviously something needs to change. We can't go on this way. Last night was bad-- guacamole and tabouleh salad. And I don't know why you need to shove the expended Blu cigarette cartridges down in between the deck boards like that; it seems unnecessary and insulting. We both know this situation can't continue. It is evident that no feeble arrangement of deck chairs is going to be sufficiently unwelcoming as to keep you (or your rampaging raccoon family) away; the missing bin will need replaced. I acknowledge my culpability in enabling these crimes and promise you, you will find no more easy scores.

My remaining question is one of curiosity: what exactly is a raccoon's natural diet? Aromatic cartons of almond milk are not commonplace in the wild. Wikipedia informs me that your diet consists of 40% invertebrates, 33% plant foods, and 27% vertebrates. Which classification does a bread bag smeared with bacon grease fall into?

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I am now officially on vacation. Here's my to-do list:

1) Select a color to paint the bathroom. I'm not talking about actually painting the bathroom, because I hate to feel rushed. But I will definitely pick out that color and probably buy the paint, because buying a thing feels like commitment even if you don't plan to actually start doing the work itself. It's an easy high, buying something at the hardware store. I'll probably also select the least crusty paintbrush from the shelf in the garage and lay it next to the can of paint, so it'll be like on deck. Progress!

2) Decide whether I'm staining the deck this year. That's right, deciding something is on my to-do list. It's like I'm my own congressional committee.

This is exciting!

3) I need to finish Moby Dick. I mean really. I'm embarrassed at how long it's taking me to read this. It was the first (and only) thing I downloaded onto my Kindle, which I got for Christmas. As a result I feel like the Kindle is a technological platform exclusively designed to provide readers with 21st century solutions for avoiding Moby Dick.

4) Mow the lawn. No committees for this one-- just hard labor. My lawn is small but would make an excellent endurance course for fresh-faced army recruits.

5) I saw this video on YouTube of a teenage girl playing Van Halen's Eruption. I suddenly felt woefully underaccomplished as a guitarist (which I am). I'm gonna learn some new tricks. then I'm gonna make a YouTube video and I'm gonna destroy your minds. (I'm not doing any of this.)

6) Arrested Development! I almost forgot! The rest of this list is suddenly looking pretty pale.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

eBay, etc.

I like that my eBay feed now contains such items as a bust of Kraven the Hunter and rare Krokus posters.

What else is new? I've got a new short coming out in a few weeks at Gone Lawn, and a few more percolating out there in the Submittable ether; I'll post the links if/when stuff happens.

Not much else happening, of note. I am reading the following, simultaneously, at a laughably slow rate of speed:

Moby Dick, or, How I Learned Every F***ing Thing There Is To Know About Whales And You Can Too
The Greatest Show on Earth (Richard Dawkins)
Blueprints of the Afterlife (The first chapter was sort of gross but kept me going; now it's flat-out excellent. I don't know if it'll all tie together. I don't care if it does, honestly. It's hilarious. Ryan Boudinot needs to teach a class on how to have fun writing. Ryan! Teach that class. Although maybe he doesn't have fun writing at all, that's presumptuous. But it sure seems like he does.)