To The Raccoon That Keeps Eating My Garbage.

I know I'm sending mixed messages by continuing to leave unprotected bags of garbage outside while attempting to use two strategically placed deck chairs to kind of present the vague visual insinuation of a barrier, but obviously something needs to change. We can't go on this way. Last night was bad-- guacamole and tabouleh salad. And I don't know why you need to shove the expended Blu cigarette cartridges down in between the deck boards like that; it seems unnecessary and insulting. We both know this situation can't continue. It is evident that no feeble arrangement of deck chairs is going to be sufficiently unwelcoming as to keep you (or your rampaging raccoon family) away; the missing bin will need replaced. I acknowledge my culpability in enabling these crimes and promise you, you will find no more easy scores.

My remaining question is one of curiosity: what exactly is a raccoon's natural diet? Aromatic cartons of almond milk are not commonplace in the wild. Wikipedia informs me that your diet consists of 40% invertebrates, 33% plant foods, and 27% vertebrates. Which classification does a bread bag smeared with bacon grease fall into?